


Love Makes It Ugly

by Tcharlatan



Series: Zakuro [3]
Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Yakuza, Anal Sex, Angst, Collars, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, Masochism, Master/Slave, Possessive Behavior, Rough Sex, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-08
Updated: 2012-12-08
Packaged: 2017-11-20 15:03:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/586661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tcharlatan/pseuds/Tcharlatan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Epilogue to Miwaku no Zakuro] The first few days after Kyo's return, he finds he isn't quite sure how he fits into his life anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Makes It Ugly

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of pure fiction. I do not personally know any of the members of Dir en grey, and do not profit from this work.

_You don't know what beautiful is until I tell you_

_And you don't know what value is until I sell you_

_And you don't feel what freedom does until I jail you_

_And you don't know dedication until I fail you_

The first day of Kyo’s return, he seemed completely out of sorts, all-but unreachable inside his own mind after accepting that he would be staying. He roused just a little when Kaoru replaced the blank collar clasp he’d worn for the past year with one bearing the spider-and-cross emblem, reaching up to run his fingers over the red stones forming the cross. And he spoke once as the older man was leaving, asking in an uncertain, almost confused voice if his return could be kept just between them for the time being, to which Kaoru easily consented. It wasn’t necessarily a habit of his to keep anything from his three younger brothers, but his pet seemed overwhelmed, and a raucous welcoming would do nothing to help him settle back in.

When he left for his office, Kyo was standing in the center of his old room – empty, barren white – staring off into space. When he returned, Kyo was sitting cross-legged on the round bolster bed Kaoru had ordered sent up, still staring off into space. The door had never been locked. Kaoru took him to the tea room for dinner, then spent some time in the living room watching television with him, and, after his own dinner downstairs, went through the old routine of showering before bed. Through all of it, neither man spoke a word, and Kyo’s eyes remained unfocused and hazy.

The second day, all of the younger man’s vague pensiveness had hardened to something almost like anger. He sat with his master for breakfast and allowed himself to be fed like always, but his body was rigid and his mismatched gaze unusually sharp and aversive as if he resented every moment of it. Kaoru allowed it, if only because his pet didn’t speak or act out in any way, but nevertheless found himself irritated by the icy regard. Still, when he left for work, he left the doors in his quarters unlocked, and still, when he returned, Kyo was sitting quietly in his bed, scowling at nothing. Another tense meal, more uneasy silence, and a shower that left tattooed skin pink and heated from forceful scrubbing. Another day where their eyes never met and they didn’t speak to one another.

The third day, Kyo’s demeanor had softened quite a bit and through breakfast he seemed simply tired, leaning heavily against his master and watching the familiar hand carry bits of food to his mouth with bleary eyes. When Kaoru returned from work this time, he found his pet in the usual cross-legged position on his bed, but with blood-shot eyes and blotchy cheeks that spoke of a long bout of crying. Kyo still wouldn’t look at him, but halfway through dinner he faltered and tears began pouring again. Kaoru wiped his hand clean and simply waited it out as his pet grabbed fistfuls of his suit jacket and clung to him for dear life, struggling against his own emotional breakdown. They stayed that way in the tea room until Kaoru had to leave for his own dinner, and after he came back, Kyo went through his bathing routine almost listlessly with his head hung low.

It was the fourth day now, and Kaoru found himself almost reluctant to return to his quarters. He was in something of a foul mood and though his pet had seemed calm enough at breakfast that morning, he really had no way of knowing what sort of frame of mind the younger man was going to be in this evening. After so much time spent apart, he wasn’t really sure how to deal with Kyo’s mood swings or help him settle back in. His pet had changed dramatically – even before he left, and certainly since – and particularly when he wouldn’t look at or speak to Kaoru, it seemed as if the older man didn’t really know him anymore. Certainly some aspects of him were the same, or else Kaoru wouldn’t have been able to talk him into staying, but enough was different that it just didn’t seem to come naturally to either of them anymore. Kaoru was beginning to wonder if Kyo had changed his mind and was contemplating leaving again, and the prospect made him irrationally angry.

But as long as Kyo was his companion, Kaoru was responsible for his wellbeing, and that meant making sure he was fed and tended to each night so long as he was behaving himself. With an irritable sigh, Kaoru cleared up his desk for the evening and left his office. As usual, he was given a decently wide berth as he passed through the halls, all of the estate’s occupants well aware that if something had happened over the course of the day to piss him off, his temper would be at its peak between leaving his office and secluding himself in his quarters before dinner. He ignored all of them, as well as the polite bows he received from the guards outside his suite. Interaction with any of them, however minor, held absolutely nothing for him. He went down the hallway to his bedroom and braced himself, as he’d been doing all week, for the possibility that his pet would be gone and his quarters once again empty. Fully prepared to be absolutely _pissed,_ beyond consolation or reason.

_I forgive you ‘cause I love you_

_It's why I cut you just to heal you_

_Just want to feel you_

The silhouette in front of the large bay window was unexpected. It was the first time since he’d returned that Kyo had ventured out of his own room by his own volition. Kaoru paused in the doorway to silently look over the younger man for some indication of his current mood before engaging. Bare shoulders were no longer slumped in misery or rigid with resentment; now squared, but relaxed. Tattooed fingers were wrapped loosely around the silver knob handle of his cane more out of habit than a floundering need for stability. Both good signs. He allowed the door to shut behind himself with an audible click to announce his presence. Kyo’s head came around – attentive, but not startled – and, for the first time since he’d returned, mismatched eyes met his master’s gaze.

Kaoru crossed half the length of the room, stopping just outside the edge of the rectangle of ruddy orange light cutting through the window and waiting there. Kyo turned his back on the sunswept gardens and moved slowly to stand in front of the shadows obscuring older man. He lifted his undecorated hand – hovering, uncertain for the space of a heartbeat – and brought his palm to rest against the center of Kaoru’s chest, bowing his head.

“…I’m broken. Scarred and crippled and disfigured.”

Kyo’s voice was soft, but clear and steady.

“I thought we already had this talk?” Kaoru wondered, one eyebrow raising in question.

The shorter man shook his head. “You’re a perfectionist. You care too much about how things look to ignore the fact that I’ve been ruined.”

Kaoru frowned and put a hand under Kyo’s chin, guiding his unflinching pet to meet his eyes again at closer range. He found something like acceptance, only… stronger. Like submission laced through with determination. No more panic or sorrow or rage, just a touch of insecurity hovering under the surface. In his silence and solitude, Kyo had resolved himself to his fate and bound himself to it, and was now held back only by that one lingering doubt.

It was a bit strange; even knowing it was almost completely blind, the perfectly white eye seemed just as piercing as its burnt-gold counterpart.

“Who ruined you?”

A faint tremor, but no hesitation. “Soejima.”

“Why you, over anyone else?”

Confusion, followed by tentative understanding. “…Because… I was yours?”

“That’s right.” Kaoru ran his thumb over the hair-thin line bisecting one of his pet’s eyebrows, then over one of the ones on his lower lip. “So you have these scars…”

“…because I was yours.”

A feather-light touch under the unseeing right eye. “And you’re blind on this side…”

“Because I was yours.”

“And you’re missing a knee…”

“Because I was yours. Kaoru…”

“You’ve said it yourself. I’m as possessive as I am vain. And you’re covered in proof that you’re _mine._ ”

Another shiver, this one accompanied by the hand on his chest fisting into the fabric of his suit. “…I don’t even know who I am anymore. How can you be so sure I’m still what you need?”

Kaoru leaned forward until his mouth was against the younger man’s ear, lips brushing over so many piercings. “You are who you have always been. My prize. My consort. My courtesan. My plaything. My dear, sweet, troublesome little pet.”

_Love makes it ugly_

_Love makes it easy_

_Love makes me forget the things you do_

_But the hurt makes it beautiful_

_Beautiful…_

Kyo’s eyes lowered again, brows drawing together in a frown of deep concentration. Kaoru allowed it, threading his fingers through short black hair, absently noting that it was much thicker and heavier than it had been when it was bleached. He knew what was happening; had seen those words repeated over and over in Kyo’s journal enough times to understand the effect that they would have on his pet, even after all this time. It was how the younger man had come to identify himself, each title branded across his heart and soul until even days of constant introspection left him unable to recognize himself in their absence.

Watching the definition of their relationship sink back in, Kaoru pressed further. “And who am I?”

“You are… you’re… my Master, my… my… _everything_. Everything…” Kyo seemed a bit surprised at his own words, as if they’d passed straight through to his lips and tongue without pausing for contemplation. Then he shook his head and looked up at Kaoru again, stern this time. “I can’t even recognize myself outside of your shadow, can’t find meaning in my own existence without-… I think everything that’s ever happened to me… every time I’ve been happy or sad, all of my successes and failures, everyone who ever held me up or stabbed me in the back… _every_ moment of my entire life has lead straight to you. To this. It’s all _your_ fault.”

And Kaoru smiled, because there was finality in his pet’s voice that could really only mean one thing. “I suppose I can see how you would feel that way.”

“I’ll never forgive you.”

“That’s fine. I’ll never repent.”

Kyo’s eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly, tugging at the cloth still gripped in his fist. “I’ve been _nothing_ for so long now, I’ve forgotten what it means to be yours. Show me.”

Kaoru saw the challenge for what it was and responded immediately, tightening the hand in Kyo’s hair into a fist until the younger man arched into the pull and released the front of his master’s vest, hand flexing and splaying between them.

“ _Please,_ ” Kyo amended in a hiss that was far too deep-throated to be pain alone.

Releasing his grip on his pet’s head, Kaoru grabbed Kyo by the upper arm and spun him around, pushing him up against the nearest wall with perhaps a little more force than was strictly necessary. There was a soft thump as the silver and ebony cane hit the floor, abandoned so that Kyo could catch himself with both hands before his face hit the hard surface. He didn’t retaliate or try to move away, nor did he sink against the wall and move into the licentious arched-back-raised-ass display any of the other courtesans would have responded with. Rather, he braced himself where he landed and held that position, ready and waiting for whatever his master had in store for him. Once more, acceptance, only stronger; submission, but determined. It was a new flavor to Kyo’s reactions, somewhat unfamiliar to Kaoru but with that same paradoxical nature that his pet had always possessed.

A lot had changed in the past year, and Kaoru took the time to soak it in, running his hands and eyes over his wayward property. Shoulders broader now than they had been, arms that were thicker, an abdomen more defined and a back on which every muscle stood out in hard relief. All over, he was more toned, more masculine than he ever used to be. Wrapped around that powerful frame, smooth, barely-tanned skin was now tarnished by a chaotic webbing of overlapping, interlacing ink designs. That body – hardened, strengthened, stained as it was – seemed to stand in reflection to the way that Kyo’s heart and mind had changed in the time since he’d been stolen.

_Can't appreciate that you were here until you're gone_

_‘Cause I don't know that it's alive until I off it_

_If I can't have it, that's how I know what I want_

_And it won't hurt, not until you're in love_

And yet… for all that he changed, Kaoru couldn’t help but notice how much had stayed the same. Still introspective, letting so much go unsaid even as the slant of his eyes and the unconscious gestures of his hands gave away the tides and phases of ever-changing moods. Still offering only complicated answers steeped in metaphor and half-formed elucidation to what anyone else would consider a simple question. Still looking at Kaoru as if he felt every emotion or sentiment one person could possibly feel for another for his master, with so much reverence and abhorrence that the elder could almost believe he truly was a devil and a god.

Still so goddamn pretty when that first faint flush of burgeoning arousal began to spread over his cheeks.

Exploring fingers found the ties to a heavy blue hakama and plucked at them, loosening the knots until a slight shift of the hips dislodged the garment, navy silk pooling around Kyo’s ankles. He stepped one foot out of it, spreading his legs and glancing back over his shoulder with a plea wrapped in a demand written all over his face. Kaoru smirked a bit at his pet’s impatience and leaned forward, clothed chest against a bare back, tracing his left hand down over the newly-revealed flesh while his right crept up towards the younger man’s mouth. He felt one panted breath over his skin before sharp teeth nipped at his index finger, a light pinch immediately soothed by the flick of a tongue, just before his middle finger was drawn into the hot, wet cavern.

A very large part of Kaoru was distracted by the evidence that his pet’s mouth was also unchanged by their time apart, just as eager and clever around his finger now as it had ever been with his cock. But he also noted the very deliberate choice to only take in the single digit. Kyo’s one gold eye met his masters’ over his shoulder and held the older man’s gaze locked as his teeth hooked against a heavy silver ring and his tongue dragged along each bony joint one by one. Kaoru raised an eyebrow but said nothing of it. The younger man released the finger when prompted and went back to facing the wall, head bowing just a bit as he panted quietly in anticipation, his entire body pressing back against Kaoru’s.

For a moment, as Kaoru’s hand traced down his pet’s spine, things seemed so routine that it was as if they hadn’t been apart at all. Every strained breath and shiver Kyo offered in response to his touch was a perfect echo of the older man’s memory, finding familiarity in the body that seemed so foreign only a few minutes ago. Then he slipped that single slick finger between his pet’s legs, probing and penetrating the entrance hidden within, and was almost startled at how tight the passage was. The constriction now was almost as intense as their first time together, and Kyo had been absolutely beside himself with panic and shame then. And his pet thought one spit-slicked finger was going to be enough preparation?

“When did you last have sex?” Kaoru wondered, frowning.

Kyo grunted, keeping his face hidden, “…You were there.” There was a strained pause before he continued in a much softer voice, “Though there was a gun inside me a couple days after that. Nothing since.”

Kaoru couldn’t help some small thrill at hearing that his pet had remained untouched in his absence. It certainly explained the tension now. He fought to keep his voice neutral as he wondered, “Why?”

An impatient shrug, perhaps a little embarrassed. “No one else was good enough.”

“I’ll rip you apart if I fuck you like this.” Matter-of-fact.

“I was counting on it.” Breathless yearning. “I don’t want to think about anything or anyone else for at least a couple days.”

_I forgive you cause I love you_

_It's why I cut you just to heal you_

_Just want to feel you_

“Hmm…” No denying that thought was enticing as hell. Kyo really could be quite manipulative when the need struck him. But right now, with the balance between them still so uncertain, the point needed to be driven home that the pet’s wants and needs were _always_ secondary to the master’s. Besides that, Kaoru had no desire to skin his dick for the sake of indulging Kyo’s self-subjugating masochism. “No. You need more lube, at least. Take care of that, and I’ll give you what you want.”

A frustrated whine escaped Kyo’s lips as he spent all of a heartbeat contemplating the distance to the bathroom and the bottle of lube within before jerking his hips forward, dislodging Kaoru’s finger, and spinning around to face his master. He was familiar enough with the older man’s dressing habits to know that diving into his pants fly-first would always result in a tussle with an obstructive jacket and vest, so long fingers set first to the task of undoing buttons as fast as humanly possible. Kaoru had time to note that when Kyo went to his knees these days, he did so by taking the brunt of the impact on his left knee and allowing his right to extend partway to the side, before the younger man decided that the lowest shirt buttons were the only ones that really needed releasing. From there, an expensive leather belt and the fly of meticulously-pressed wool slacks simply fell apart under Kyo’s determination and he was swallowing his master’s cock with reckless abandon.

Truthfully, the temptation to just grab fistfuls of that scruffy black hair and fuck that sweet, plush mouth was almost suffocating. Kaoru was not the sort of man to dream vividly, or often, but he had dreamed of his pet giving him head more than once over the past year and the sight of that pretty face between his thighs was _almost_ too much. But Kyo was careful to only barely touch him, soft and loose to slick his erection with an absolute minimum of stimulation, so he was able to maintain the presence of mind to keep up his own end of the bargain this time and promised to make more thorough use of the younger man’s oral skills later.

Then the shorter body was climbing back up the wall once more, hands bracing at shoulder height, legs spread, looking back over his shoulder again with ill-concealed hope. Imploring wordlessly that that would be enough and his master would deign to give him what he so craved. Just another thing that hadn’t changed, Kaoru noted as he wrapped one hand around his pet’s hip and the other around his own erection to guide it into place. It really was difficult to say no to that pleading face. 

With two carefully spaced, powerful pushes of his hips, Kaoru experienced sensory overload so intense, the entire world seemed to shudder and shake around him. Heat – glorious, velvety heat – gripped him like a vice with the most divine pressure. Kyo’s voice rang out in unfathomably interwoven pleasure and pain, high and sharp and horrible at first, bleeding into a feral growl. The hard body underneath his own trembled, sweat-slick ink-stained skin drawn beautifully tight over tense muscles. He pressed closer to the smaller man, feeling heated flesh against the narrow wedge of his own belly revealed by his partially-opened clothing, burying his nose in damp black hair and taking in the particular scent of his dear pet.

“M-… Master…” Kyo sobbed, strain clear in his voice even as he pressed back against the older man, hands twisting to claws against the wall. “Kao… ru… Kaoru… Mas-…”

He had been waiting far too long – an hour? Four days? A year? – to hold back now. One hand digging into a narrow hip with bruising force, the other reaching over a quivering shoulder to brace against the wall, Kaoru began a mindless rhythm pounding into his pet. His; now, again, forever, _his_ pet. Nothing without him, flightless outside of his web. He would erase the last lingering memories of Soejima’s violation, erase any last doubts that the younger man could have about his need for him, and Kyo would be all _his_ again. So much residual anger for what he’d been forced to go without for so long lent uncommon power to his thrusts, and his ears rang with his pet’s harsh voice calling out in agony and ecstasy.

_Love makes it ugly_

_Love makes it easy_

_Love makes me forget the things you do_

_But the hurt makes it beautiful_

A tattooed hand left the wall to reach back and fist into glossy black hair, keeping Kaoru tight against his back, and with only one arm left to support himself, Kyo had to fall forward and brace with his elbow and forearm. The smell of sweat and musk was hanging between them, thick and humid, and on legs all-but liquefied with overstimulated nerves, the younger man struggled to maintain his fervor rocking back against his master’s forceful thrusting. In the wake of so much turmoil – so much need and so many months alone and unfulfilled – he was rapidly drawn towards his peak, but there were no hands left between them to tend his need and his cries took on a frustrated, desperate tone.

_Yeah, the hurt makes it beautiful_

Kaoru held his orgasm back as long as his flaring temper would allow, determined to draw out this encounter as long as he could. He felt the heady thrill of possession and control coursing just under the profound physical pleasure; reveling in the right to use the smaller, naked body under his own clothed frame however he so desired. And he loved – absolutely _loved_ – that Kyo submitted to him so completely and yet so passionately. The trembling, stammering moan of his own name falling past gaping lips like a prayer undid him, unexpectedly and all at once. His deep, forceful thrusting shallowed out to a shuddering pulse as his seed flooded his pet’s abused passage, claiming him from the inside in the crudest possible manner.

_And the hurt makes it beautiful_

But he wasn’t satisfied, not yet. Shifting his grip, he flipped them so his own back was against the wall and sank down to the floor, supporting his own weight and Kyo’s on limbs that shook. His pet writhed against him, one hand remaining fisted in his hair while the other shot down to pump roughly the neglected erection jutting, red and angry, between his thighs. Kaoru reached his own hand down as well, wrapping his fingers around the younger man’s and forcing him to adopt a slower, steadier pace. Kyo’s frantic, high-pitched whimpering and crying stretched out to deep, gasping breaths as his ache was finally seen to, his feet digging into the floor and pushing him tighter against his master. Kaoru watched, solemnly enthralled, as the coil finally snapped and pearly white spattered across his pet’s quivering belly, release striking the younger man with a silent scream and an arched neck.

_But the hurt makes it beautiful_

For some time, the only sound between them was ragged breathing. At length, Kyo carefully rolled forward just enough to pull Kaoru’s softened member out of himself with a wince and a faint grunt of pain. He felt thin trails of cum trickle down one thigh as he turned over, wrapping his knees around his master’s hips and his arms around the older man’s neck, burying his face in mussed up hair and an itchy wool jacket. There was no crying, no anger or tension, just… overwhelming catharsis and understanding. Kaoru continued resting, head lolled back against the wall, but lifted one arm up to drape around his pet languidly, gently kneading the back of the smaller man’s neck.

“I’ll never forgive you,” Kyo murmured furtively against his master’s throat.

Kaoru just smiled and ran his fingers through his pet’s hair. That was fine with him. Just as long as Kyo never left his side again.

_Beautiful…_

 

 

 

* * *

 _The song_[Hurt Makes it Beautiful ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDkV5Smn-B0)belongs to Hugo, whose lyrics I do not own or profit from using.  



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